“I just want to feel better. I want peace. I want to know who I am without this pain”. These are the words I spoke to my mentor 20 years ago. He looked me in the eyes and said “I can help you with that, but you’ll need to work hard. You’ll want to quit but that’s when the magic starts to happen”. I sure did want to quit, more times than I can count!
Healing IS a choice. You choose it over and over again. Shifts happen all the time. Life happens every day. As the saying goes healing is not linear. It moves with you. As you learn, grow, experience life, healing grows with you.
Healing doesn’t mean perfection. It doesn’t always mean free of physical conditions either – it can, but not always. Healing is the soul work. It’s knowing who you are, loving all the parts of you, feeling grounded and feeling inner peace.
Keep making the choice. It’s so worth it. You’re worth it 🌻
Many years ago I rocked up to the door of a man who would become my mentor. And when he asked me, what are you wanting to know today? I broke down and said, everything is wrong. I am wrong. I keep screwing everything up. My marriage has failed. My health is screwed. I feel angry and scared all the time and I’m gonna stuff my child up if I don’t sort my shit out!
He looked at me and said, here’s a piece of paper I want you to write this down. “I have always done the best I could with what I knew at the time of the doing”. To which I argued no I haven’t look at my life! To which he said, tell me about your life.
When I did, many visits and homework by me as well, I realised I was the sum of my experiences and passed down beliefs, but, if I could throw a dose of kindness and forgiveness MY way, maybe I could see that I really had done my best and always will.
I know it’s hard to do. I know it won’t always feel true. But please, cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself for what you feel you need to and then, step forward into the new. Repeat where necessary until every cell and fibre of your being believes it’s true. It’s worth it.
You are worth it.
**if you are a person who has lived through abuse or trauma, I am NOT suggesting you can apply this toward your abuser. I personally have not forgiven my abuser and that was part of my healing! I’m talking about your own healing. Because you deserve to be free of the pain you carry**
Life in general. Grief. Chronic health conditions. Mental health issues. A million other things life brings to your door…
We really are doing our best and it really is good enough!
Amongst the yo-yo of life, one thing we often forget is to bring compassion and love to our not so great days, our suffering, our pain. We are so quick to blame!! “If I, I should have, I knew that and if, I could’ve would’ve should’ve”, you know the phrases? I’ve used them myself.
It’s a very human response – blame and anger, shame and guilt – to very human experiences. They’re going to happen! And when they do. Let yourself see it and feel it. Then say thanks. I see you. And, I’m now going to love myself, be kind to myself, be compassionate and forgiving. Because I also know:
I am doing my best and that truly is good enough.
Give yourself permission to be kind and loving to yourself through the ups AND the downs. Just like you would to someone you love 💗
You’ve just spoken up. You’ve spoken a truth for you. You’ve shared your feelings with honesty and integrity. You’ve shared from your heart. It was maybe a bit scary and equally freeing, and you did it. If you spoke that with someone else, maybe it gave them permission to do the same. Growth can look like this.
Something you’ve been focused on has been set free. A weight has been lifted and you feel like you can breathe. Growth can feel like this.
So why then, some time after, do you feel like crap. Growth can sometimes feel like this too. That voice in your head when you see the other person struggle with what you just shared? The voice that starts saying I shouldn’t have, I wish I had stayed quiet now, I could have should have would have …..
That voice is coming from a well of old beliefs and pain. The one that told you for years that you’re not enough or that you’re less than, or the one that never knew a healthy boundary or what healthy love looks like.
When you speak from a place of love and worthiness, you’re creating new boundaries and reinforcing that new place of I am enough. Doubt will creep in. The should have would haves will creep in. Growth.
Take a breath. Hands on heart. I am enough. I am worthy of speaking my truth. I hear others truth as well. I balance the two in my seat of worthiness. Breathe. Bring love in. Hold on to the space of bravery and knowing of your worth.
Be easy on you. Sometimes you will rise and fall in one moment.
I’ve been discussing and focusing on boundaries a lot lately. I know it’s something I can still struggle with at times, and have struggled with most of my life. Wanting to not hurt others but also not wanting to be hurt or be treated badly by others.
When you’ve been through betrayal, trauma, or just simply have not been taught or shown, boundary setting is hard! I went super hard at it when I first got a taste and kinda went too far! Then I pulled back and kinda went too far the other way lol. Put boundaries in but be firm but nice and loving and kind but speak up and don’t be afraid to be fierce! It got confusing!
Even with all the above I kept working on setting healthy boundaries, I’d fall 7 times and get back up the 8th. Having a chat with a friend today I realised I’ve been in the land of part time boundaries. And I’ve now stepped in to it being full time. And it feels great!! It’s uncomfortable here and there but so damn good for me!!
Remember, boundaries aren’t for others, THEY ARE FOR YOU. They are to protect your “good feeling emotions”. This is the gift of healing. It helps you know your worth, your values, your light, and gives you the voice to speak what’s needed for inner peace and a healthy life. I cannot stress enough, you have to know your values and your worth for your boundaries to be known to you, to put them in place.
As Gabby Bernstein says here:
I am kind and loving toward others while creating CLEAR BOUNDARIES that protect my good feeling emotions.
I saw an interview with Michael J Fox talking about living his life with Parkinson’s disease. He spoke these very wise words about gratitude and it reminded me how important this emotion is to practice and to feel.
Gratitude is one of the most powerful tools for your toolbox. I’m not here to say chin up get on with it, just be grateful, because I know how damn hard it is to find the grateful in difficult times. It doesn’t mean being blind to the tough stuff or the messiness that can get all of us from time to time. What it does though, is help you notice the goodness in the world, in your life.
Gratitude makes sure that in the midst of all the things, even what we know or perceive as negative and crappy, we don’t lose sight of the good.
And science wise? Did you know that gratitude also has the capacity to increase important neurochemicals in the brain like dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin. Which do what? Increase and contribute to the good feelings that come with gratitude, like happiness, connection, hope, seeing a pinprick of light at the end of the tunnel.
There are processes like using a gratitude journal each day, listing up to 5 things you can be grateful for. Or, you can just think of one and speak it out loud! No matter how you choose to express gratitude, it’ll work it’s magic.
So today, I’m grateful for feeling loved by my family and friends. What are you grateful for today?
There are a lot of motivational and inspirational posts out there. I remember when I was in the midst of my health struggles thinking, that’s great, but I can’t even move right now so how can I make that relevant to my life?!!!! When I was at my lowest either physically or mentally, honestly, reading “how to” posts by a healthy person really pissed me off! Not their fault I know, just the place I was in.
Please know, anything I am about to say is from a place knowing there are health issues bigger than what I lived with. I’m not speaking for all illnesses and conditions here, I speak from my own lived experience, to any similarities you may feel with your own health.
When you are struggling with an illness, health issue, diagnosis or a label given to you, it’s all consuming. As you navigate your way, to seek answers and cures and look for hope, it’s so easy to become your “label” and forget who you are.
When I was initially diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue and Fibromyalgia many years ago, I fell into the trap of it defining me. I became my “dis-ease”! I equally rallied to get rid of it and surrendered to living with it, knowing I had no idea if or when it would end.
What I found important and it might help you too is, remember who YOU are first and foremost. You may have a condition but it does not define you. You are not your illness or disease. You are still you.
After allowing myself to feel all I felt with the struggles of it, I chose a mindset of; being as well as I could based on the day; looked for what I was grateful for; what filled my tank with happiness; a tweak here n there to make positive changes 🙌 and then let go and did my best in that moment.
It’s a tough slog, and you’re not always gonna manage it and that’s ok too! I know it’s not easy to focus on joy and vibrancy when you’re in the midst of health struggles, honestly it sucks to feel so unwell and it’s hard to think of anything else!
Loving and accepting yourself as you are right now today, will add to improving your health in your mind and soul, and your body will feel it too. Step by step, moment by moment, you’ve got this.
Honour your strength, your courage, your vulnerability, your heart. And remember: You are braver than you believe Stronger thank you seem Smarter than you think And Loved more than you’ll ever know
Let’s talk about anger. It can feel really unpleasant, like a hit of adrenaline, overwhelming, intense. I’m not talking about hurtful violence or aggression or abuse, I’m talking about that body shaking heart racing quick flare of rage, that sudden burst and feeling of anger rising within.
We’re human, and we’re going to feel all the feels! And like all feelings and emotions, I believe anger can be a great teacher, an indicator of something that doesn’t feel right for you in that moment. Maybe a boundary was just crossed, an injustice occurred, or some unexpressed fear has revealed itself.
Anger is something you feel. It’s not who you are and doesn’t define who you are. When you have a chance to observe it, you then have a chance to reveal what truth lies beneath it.
To clarify the difference between anger and rage, Mel Robbins says this: “Anger is a feeling you are having right now. Rage is a reaction to issues from your past that are unresolved. Both are usually the tip of the iceberg and masking something deeper”.
Have a look at the anger iceberg I’ve put in with this post. Have a look at what is sitting underneath the “tip of the iceberg”, does this surprise you? Last time you felt angry, what would have been the underneath feeling for you? Was it a how dare you? Did you need to speak about a boundary that was crossed or, was it a long sitting unaddressed issue raising its hand for your attention? Either way, we all know speaking angry words right in the heat of the moment doesn’t always go so well, I know it hasn’t for me in the past!
So what can you do to get you to the place to be able to look underneath the “anger iceberg”? Next time you feel the rage, the anger, bubbling up and ready to spill, if you can:
🔅use the 5 second rule – take a breath before you take action – give yourself a minute 🔅stop to consider why you’re angry 🔅be honest with the core emotions and feelings you feel beneath the surface
Let it serve you. Let it show you what is needed. Let it encourage you to take action either to speak up for yourself, or make changes you feel are necessary to heal the once hidden emotion under the iceberg.
I was talking to a beautiful client the other day and we found that we had a shared experience.
Both of us at some point in our lives had suffered from trauma, like most of us let’s be honest. And over the years we’ve reached out for help. And sometimes that help said, imagine being peaceful, imagine the stillness, imagine not feeling anxious and bring that feeling in to yourself. And we both said. At that point in our life, how the hell were we supposed to do that when we didn’t know or remember what that all feels like?
And it’s the same for trust. We’re often told to go within and trust ourselves. But if you’ve experienced trauma, that’s also a foreign concept.
Trauma healing is a long road. We want to feel better. We want to hope that one day it won’t own us. And we want so desperately to feel better.
I want to remind you that one day you will.
It will happen bit by bit. When your nervous system finally gets the message that all is now safe and it doesn’t have to be on high alert, all the things you were told to imagine, become a reality.
Your anxiety, your trauma responses, your disconnection and numbness, all stem from a physiological response your body has when it feels threatened and it’s designed to protect you. I say well done you and well done body. You did it. You kept safe. Thank you.
Now it’s time to let your body know that you are safe. How do you do this?
One step at a time. One act at a time. One process you find works for you. And for me, when I was experiencing moments of anxiety or panic or disassociation, my way, was to not force my mind to think of anything other than this:
🍁hands on my heart 🍁breathing mindfully 🍁eyes looking around where I am (this tells your nervous system you are actively listening to it by looking for danger or safety) 🍁words spoken either in my head or out loud – Safe. I am safe. 🍁breathe. I am safe. breathe. I am safe
This is the first step to feeling safe in your own body again. This is the first step to being able to calm your anxious stomach down and be able to “hear” what your gut instinct is saying.
This is a first step to being able to trust in yourself again.
I saw an interview with Dr Mary Catherine McDonald, where she was talking about trauma and how she feels it’s been viewed wrongly for some time now.
She says: “We have been fed a great social lie that is, when we continue to suffer after trauma, we should be ashamed of ourselves. The truth? The trauma response is a sign of strength. It’s a biological strength response designed to keep you alive! It is NOT a sign of weakness. It is a sign that your neurobiology is adapting to threat. It is not a sign that you are broken. It is a sign of strength, not weakness”.
I’d love you to remember this if you ever feel weighed down by PTSD, or any trauma response you have to something that triggered panic, anxiety, numbness, fear, or any other overwhelming emotion within that moment.
Your body is designed to keep you safe. That stress response? The flight or fight, freeze or fawn response? It keeps you safe. It’s there to protect you. And after an event or long term suffering of what is called trauma, it takes time to help the mind and body to feel safe again. It takes time to feel balanced and peaceful.
It. Takes. Time.
With the right tools for you, with time and practice, you can and will learn how to feel safe again. You will learn how to recognise what your responses are, and how to bring yourself into what’s called the relaxation response – a calm, peaceful, balanced, healing state.
So remember these words. Your trauma response is not weakness, it’s your body’s way of protecting you, it’s a sign of physiological adaptability and strength. And.
