Feeling guilty. It’s heavy. It brings in all the feelings and a lot start with “I should”. Brené Brown says there’s a big difference between guilt and shame so maybe this will help clarify:
“Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is “I am bad.” Guilt is “I did something bad.”
Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake.
Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake”
We’ve all been there with the feeling of guilt and shame. We carry the weight of should haves or should dos or we sometimes carry the weight of old wounds that leave us with a feeling of apologising for our very existence. Like we’ve always done something wrong or are always to blame.
Guilt can be a useful feeling IF used in the context of actually doing something wrong. It nudges you to own up to a mistake or a wrong doing and then allows you to say, I am sorry. I made a mistake or I was wrong. Guilt is not meant to be a permanent feeling.
Shame “is the gremlin who says you’re never good enough. And if you can talk it out of that one, then says who do you think you are. The thing to understand about shame is it’s not guilt. Shame is a focus on self guilt”.
So what do we do when the day to day feelings of not meeting expectations, feelings of emotional failures, I’ve let them down or I should be doing more start to drown out any loving kindness you can gift yourself with.
Own what you’re feeling. For example:
I feel so guilty that I couldn’t be there for my mum. What is the guilt about? Do you have deeper feelings of hurt in that relationship that has added to this? Is the feeling really guilt or shame? Did you make a mistake or do you feel like you are shoulding all over yourself? Is it internal pressure to be the perfect child/partner/parent/friend?
Or
Is there a deep feeling of not enoughness. Not good enough. Something is wrong with me.
Healing your inner critic. Your inner wounds. Your value. Your worth. Taking self-responsibility or handing back what isn’t yours to carry. These all lend a hand in healing the guilt/shame cycle. To leave you with the ability to see the truth of what is underlying what you’re carrying.
Next time you feel guilt or shame. Take a closer look underneath. Own what you need to, but please, set down what is also no longer yours to carry 🌻
